Gilmore Girls Fan-Fiction

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Here is my scripted Gilmore Girls fan fiction from last month’s comedy fan fiction night Dear Harry/Spock: It should be noted I played all parts, apart from Rory.Coz yuck.

INT. LUKES DINER – DAY
Lorelai Gilmore, 48, brandishing an empty coffee cup, follows
her permanently harassed and tired looking partner Luke Danes
around the busy diner. Luke has stubble and a cool backwards
hat. He looks a bit like a less creepy version of the popular
recording genius Frederik Durst.
                    LORELAI
          Luke, I need coffee, can I have a
          coffee? Give me another coffee!
          Where’s the coffee?
                    LUKE
          Goddamit Lorelai, that’s your
          sixth cup of coffee this morning,
          I’m cutting you off -
                    LORELAI
          What am I? James Franco’s arm in
          127 hours? Come on Luke, I need
          coffee like Clare Dane’s character
          in Homeland needs a work
          assessment review.
                    LUKE
          Goddamit Lorelai, you owe me
          $80,000 in unpaid coffee refills,
          this diner is going under because
          of your caffeine addiction.
          You need help, not more coffee.
Rory Gilmore, 32, enters Luke’s diner. She looks like Bambi
and sounds like a mouse.
    
                    RORY
         Hi mom!
                    LORELAI
          The prodigal daughter returns! How
          are things going in the crazy
          world of freelance journalism? Are
          you raving it up with Rupert
          Murdoch, sharing anecdotes with
          Anna Wintour, J K Lolling with J K
          Rowling.
Rory sighs. And scratches her butt a little.
                    RORY
          No. I haven’t had a job since my
          last New Yorker article -
          “MILLENNIALS: THE NEXT FOOD
          SOURCE.” Apparently no one wants
          to hire a writer who endorses
          cannibalism.
                    LORELAI
          I know what will cheer you up! How
          about a bacon sandwich where the
          bread is pop tarts and the bacon
          is pop tarts and the pop tarts are
          pop tarts!
                    LUKE
          Goddamit Lorelai, you ate all my
          pop tarts an hour ago!
                    LORELAI
          Luke, where is my coffee!
                    LUKE
          Goddamit Lorelai I’m having a
          heart attack

Luke dies. And then shits himself.

                    RORY
          Oh no!
                    LORELAI
          Look like he’s as dead as Topher
          Grace’s acting career after
          Spiderman 3.
Luke revives briefly, and with his one last dying breath he
says:
                    LUKE
          No one...remembers...who...that...is
                    RORY
          Mom, I came here to tell you
          something. I have decided to
          become a nun and am going to take
          a vow of celibacy –
                    LORELAI
          Is this because of The Young Pope,
          because not all clergy men look
          like Jude Law.
                    RORY
          No, it’s because our love lives
          have been so awful that it’s put
          me off men for life.
                    LORELAI
          Are you a lesbian now? Because in
          the early 2000s I would have made
          a joke about you wearing dungarees
          and shaving off your hair in order
          to look like the stereotyped idea
          of a lesbian because that’s what
          passed for funny in those days,
          but now its 2017 I have realised
          its just insensitive. Although
          Luke does have a bag he carries
          around, which I like to call a gay
          bag.
This is a actual line from the show. 

Then in strolls Dean, a tall dependable beige wall of a man.
                    DEAN
          Rory wait – before you swear off
          men, there is something you should
          know. I love you!
                    RORY
          Dean? What are you doing here?
                    DEAN
          Im here for the bean conference,
          because I now own a business
          selling beans. Dean’s beans! I was
          your first boyfriend, before you
          left me for that rebel without a
          cause Jess
                    RORY
          Sorry about that -
                    DEAN
          Its okay because when he left you,
          you decided you wanted to be with
          me again, so I cheated on my wife
          with you. And that’s how you lost
          your virginity, because this show
          hates sex –

                   RORY
         Show?
                    DEAN
          Yes, this show we call life. And then
          we got back together, but you left me again
          because I worked at a food mart and rode
          the bus like a poor person. Wow. Saying
          this out loud has made me realise that
          you are the actual worse. I must go and
          tend to my beans.

Dean gets on a nearby bus.
                    RORY
          Wait Dean!
But then in walks Jess, smoking a cigarette, wearing a leather
jacket and clutching Catcher in the Rye.
                    JESS
          Forget about him, what about me –
          Jess. The bad boy who loved to
          read. I love you! And since I was
          the only one who didn’t get to
          bang you, you sort of owe me.
                    RORY
          What are you doing here?
                    JESS
          I’m running a poetry night, and
          all my poems are about what a
          rebel I am, and how I rebel.
                    RORY
          What are you Felicity Jones in the
          Rogue One Trailer, but not the
          film, because re-shoots meant they
          cut out that line?
Lorelai shakes her head at Rory’s convoluted pop culture
reference, and cuts her out of her will.
                    JESS
          Remember the good times we shared?
          Like when I stole your beat poetry
          books and wrote annotations in the
          margins, and the time we discussed
          the merits of Ayn Rand!
          Wait. Saying this out loud has made
          me realise that I am the actual worse.
                      (beat)
          Also I didn’t care for La La Land.
Everyone gasps.
                    LORELAI
          What a rebel!
Jess jumps on a passing motorbike, and leaves, flicking V’s at
everyone as he goes.
Then in strolls Logan, a blonde sexpot wearing a fur coat and
a diamond hat. He throws some money on Luke’s dead body.
                    LOGAN
          My diner now!
                    RORY
          Logan, what are you doing here?
                    LOGAN
          Hey ace, heard you were going to
          go all ave Maria on us. But before
          you do - why don’t we give it
          another shot? Remember the good
          times we had? Like when we stole
          that yacht together? Or when we
          broke up for two days and I slept
          with seven other women? Wait,
          saying this old loud has made me
          realise that I am totally the
          best.
Enter Emily Gilmore, an eloquently dressed older woman.
                    LORELAI
          Oh no, it’s my overbearing right wing mother.
                    EMILY
          I just saw an ethic minority in
          stars hollow and I thought, what
          is this? An episode of Empire?
          Anyway I set them on fire. Rory,
          what is this I hear about you
          becoming a nun?
                    RORY
          I’m sorry Grandma, but my mind is set.
                    EMILY
          I forbid it. I want you to marry
          Logan, so you don’t end up like
          your smelly mother.

Lorelai grabs her chest.
LORELAI
          Oh my god, I haven’t had a coffee
     in two minutes, my heart!
Lorelai falls on top of Luke’s body. Also dead. She then shits
herself.
RORY
          Finally, I am free from her coffee
     obsessed incessant pop culture
          ramblings and questionable
          parenting! I was never going to be
          a nun, I just wanted to distract
          her from coffee so she would be
          without her life source.
                    EMILY
          Oh my Rory, you are very clever.
          Now you can join my privileged
          white women’s association and made
          complex decisions about table
          arrangements.
                    RORY
          But first I am going to marry my
          left wing boyfriend in a
          humanist ceremony, whose child I
          am also carrying, which we will
          raise non-gendered and name after
          our hero, Bernie Sanders.
                    EMILY
          What! Oh dear god, the scandal! My
          heart can’t take it -
Emily dies of a heart attack at the shock, and falls on
Lorelai and Luke’s body. She does not shit herself, but does
an eloquent little fart instead.
                    LOGAN
          You have another boyfriend?
                    RORY
          No. Because I have realised that I
          don’t need a man.
Rory then pulls out a gun from behind her back, which she has
been hiding all this time, and shoots Logan before arranging
the bodies to make it look like a murder suicide.
                    RORY
          Now I will inherit the Gilmore
          fortune, and finally get some
          peace and quiet on my home planet.
Rory jumps on a nearby spaceship.

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