Here is my scripted Gilmore Girls fan fiction from last month’s comedy fan fiction night Dear Harry/Spock: It should be noted I played all parts, apart from Rory.Coz yuck.
INT. LUKES DINER – DAY
Lorelai Gilmore, 48, brandishing an empty coffee cup, follows her permanently harassed and tired looking partner Luke Danes around the busy diner. Luke has stubble and a cool backwards hat. He looks a bit like a less creepy version of the popular recording genius Frederik Durst.
LORELAI Luke, I need coffee, can I have a coffee? Give me another coffee! Where’s the coffee?
LUKE Goddamit Lorelai, that’s your sixth cup of coffee this morning, I’m cutting you off -
LORELAI What am I? James Franco’s arm in 127 hours? Come on Luke, I need coffee like Clare Dane’s character in Homeland needs a work assessment review.
LUKE Goddamit Lorelai, you owe me $80,000 in unpaid coffee refills, this diner is going under because of your caffeine addiction. You need help, not more coffee.
Rory Gilmore, 32, enters Luke’s diner. She looks like Bambi and sounds like a mouse. RORY Hi mom!
LORELAI The prodigal daughter returns! How are things going in the crazy world of freelance journalism? Are you raving it up with Rupert Murdoch, sharing anecdotes with Anna Wintour, J K Lolling with J K Rowling.
Rory sighs. And scratches her butt a little.
RORY No. I haven’t had a job since my last New Yorker article - “MILLENNIALS: THE NEXT FOOD SOURCE.” Apparently no one wants to hire a writer who endorses cannibalism.
LORELAI I know what will cheer you up! How about a bacon sandwich where the bread is pop tarts and the bacon is pop tarts and the pop tarts are pop tarts!
LUKE Goddamit Lorelai, you ate all my pop tarts an hour ago!
LORELAI Luke, where is my coffee!
LUKE Goddamit Lorelai I’m having a heart attack Luke dies. And then shits himself. RORY Oh no!
LORELAI Look like he’s as dead as Topher Grace’s acting career after Spiderman 3.
Luke revives briefly, and with his one last dying breath he says:
LUKE No one...remembers...who...that...is
RORY Mom, I came here to tell you something. I have decided to become a nun and am going to take a vow of celibacy –
LORELAI Is this because of The Young Pope, because not all clergy men look like Jude Law.
RORY No, it’s because our love lives have been so awful that it’s put me off men for life.
LORELAI Are you a lesbian now? Because in the early 2000s I would have made a joke about you wearing dungarees and shaving off your hair in order to look like the stereotyped idea of a lesbian because that’s what passed for funny in those days, but now its 2017 I have realised its just insensitive. Although Luke does have a bag he carries around, which I like to call a gay bag.
This is a actual line from the show. Then in strolls Dean, a tall dependable beige wall of a man.
DEAN Rory wait – before you swear off men, there is something you should know. I love you!
RORY Dean? What are you doing here?
DEAN Im here for the bean conference, because I now own a business selling beans. Dean’s beans! I was your first boyfriend, before you left me for that rebel without a cause Jess
RORY Sorry about that -
DEAN Its okay because when he left you, you decided you wanted to be with me again, so I cheated on my wife with you. And that’s how you lost your virginity, because this show hates sex – RORY Show?
DEAN Yes, this show we call life. And then we got back together, but you left me again because I worked at a food mart and rode the bus like a poor person. Wow. Saying this out loud has made me realise that you are the actual worse. I must go and tend to my beans. Dean gets on a nearby bus.
RORY Wait Dean!
But then in walks Jess, smoking a cigarette, wearing a leather jacket and clutching Catcher in the Rye.
JESS Forget about him, what about me – Jess. The bad boy who loved to read. I love you! And since I was the only one who didn’t get to bang you, you sort of owe me.
RORY What are you doing here?
JESS I’m running a poetry night, and all my poems are about what a rebel I am, and how I rebel.
RORY What are you Felicity Jones in the Rogue One Trailer, but not the film, because re-shoots meant they cut out that line?
Lorelai shakes her head at Rory’s convoluted pop culture reference, and cuts her out of her will.
JESS Remember the good times we shared? Like when I stole your beat poetry books and wrote annotations in the margins, and the time we discussed the merits of Ayn Rand! Wait. Saying this out loud has made me realise that I am the actual worse. (beat) Also I didn’t care for La La Land.
LORELAI What a rebel!
Jess jumps on a passing motorbike, and leaves, flicking V’s at everyone as he goes.
Then in strolls Logan, a blonde sexpot wearing a fur coat and a diamond hat. He throws some money on Luke’s dead body.
LOGAN My diner now!
RORY Logan, what are you doing here?
LOGAN Hey ace, heard you were going to go all ave Maria on us. But before you do - why don’t we give it another shot? Remember the good times we had? Like when we stole that yacht together? Or when we broke up for two days and I slept with seven other women? Wait, saying this old loud has made me realise that I am totally the best.
Enter Emily Gilmore, an eloquently dressed older woman.
LORELAI Oh no, it’s my overbearing right wing mother.
EMILY I just saw an ethic minority in stars hollow and I thought, what is this? An episode of Empire? Anyway I set them on fire. Rory, what is this I hear about you becoming a nun?
RORY I’m sorry Grandma, but my mind is set.
EMILY I forbid it. I want you to marry Logan, so you don’t end up like your smelly mother. Lorelai grabs her chest.
LORELAI Oh my god, I haven’t had a coffee
in two minutes, my heart!
Lorelai falls on top of Luke’s body. Also dead. She then shits herself.
RORY Finally, I am free from her coffee
obsessed incessant pop culture ramblings and questionable parenting! I was never going to be a nun, I just wanted to distract her from coffee so she would be without her life source.
EMILY Oh my Rory, you are very clever. Now you can join my privileged white women’s association and made complex decisions about table arrangements.
RORY But first I am going to marry my left wing boyfriend in a humanist ceremony, whose child I am also carrying, which we will raise non-gendered and name after our hero, Bernie Sanders.
EMILY What! Oh dear god, the scandal! My heart can’t take it -
Emily dies of a heart attack at the shock, and falls on Lorelai and Luke’s body. She does not shit herself, but does an eloquent little fart instead.
LOGAN You have another boyfriend?
RORY No. Because I have realised that I don’t need a man.
Rory then pulls out a gun from behind her back, which she has been hiding all this time, and shoots Logan before arranging the bodies to make it look like a murder suicide.
RORY Now I will inherit the Gilmore fortune, and finally get some peace and quiet on my home planet.
Rory jumps on a nearby spaceship.