The Perfect Milk Substitute

I have been trying to find a milk substitute for the last few weeks. Stuff which isn’t water or orange juice (doesn’t go well with porridge) so am trying out all the possible things you can have and rating them out of 10.

Everyone tells me how bad milk is for me, how we are the only animals that still drink it after the age of 3 and how cows have 8 stomachs and we have one and your drinking stuff that has gone through eight stomachs EWWWW and you get enough calcium from cheese and spinach and by looking at the moon anyway, so I thought I would try and cut it out. HOWEVER I have to have a form of white liquid in my (get your mind out of the gutter*) beverages as I can’t do black coffee, or tea, or hot chocolate made of water, or porridge moistened by only my tears. What am I? A peasant?

UHT-1L-OatMilk-Bone-DLib

Oat Milk

How is it made?

They get oats and milk em.

Appearance
Wishy washy and pathetic looking. Makes me think of Steve Rogers before he was Captain America with his pea head on a fork body.

Consistency
Thickens up when heated and mixed with hot chocolate and porridge, but in a really weird like ‘what the hell is this dough in my mouth’ way and separated slightly when mixed with tea in a ‘TEA IS OUR ENEMY’ way.

Taste
Like, it has a taste – and it’s pretty gross to be honest, especially when it gets all thick and viscous when heated. At least milk is mostly tasteless when mixed with stuff. Milk is like some bland guy at the party who is just filling out numbers, but oat milk is like some guy at the party who spills red wine on the carpet

How close to milk is it
It taste too much like oats to taste like milk. Also mixing my porridge oats with watered down oats is like a mirror in the mirror world.

Versatility
Doesn’t go with much except tea to be honest, and even then I wouldn’t want to serve it to my guests, as they would notice the weird separation and never come back

Ethical
Oats don’t feel pain

Health (will it make me fat)
Low in calories, but also low in joy

Practicality
They sell it at Morrisons.

Pretence factor
I don’t know if they sell this at ALL the vegan cafes in Bristol, so it might get awkward/ cool fast. Because I can lambast them for not having oat milk. Although if they do I also want to lambast them for serving oak mil. Coz its gross.

Conclusion

It felt really weird to be adding oats to oats, and I felt like I was gonna vom a couple of times. Although the makers seem like real fun guys – they have funny jokes on the packaging

Soy Milk

soyHow is it made?

They milk beans to make soy. I think.

Appearance
Looks just like milk

Consistency
Seems to have the same thickness as milk

Taste
Tastes a bit like an old nut you have in your pocket which you suck on until it turns into liquid. But if sweetened then tastes a bit like a watered down vanilla milkshake. More delicious then milk, and makes my porridge in the morning sing.

How close to milk is it
It’s use to be mates with Milk, but they haven’t seen each other at school and have lost touch.

Versatility
Apparently you have to be some kind of chemistry wizard in order to put it in milk without it curdling. This is especially tricky when ordering it from Baristas in coffee shops, who don’t realise it needs to be heated up to some magical perfect temperature in order to stop it looking all clumpy. I have had many experiences with sent back cappucino’s after they start becoming self aware and floating to the top of my coffee in a bid to escape

Ethical
I think it causes lots of environmental problems. I know this because some guy in Starbucks told me it was ethically bad, and I was like ‘dude you work in Starbucks,’ and he was like ‘but you buy coffee from us.’ And then we both took a good hard look in the mirror he had handy and realised we were pretty much both the worst.

Health
I have heard, again not gonna bother researching this, that it makes men turn into women, and makes women turn more womanly. I did give up soy milk for a time, and I swear my books got floppier. That might just be gravity though.

Practicality
They sell it pretty much everywhere, including Morrisons.

Pretence factors
Not as pretentious as Oat milk.

*Semen

capture17

How is it made?

Men’s willys.

Appearance
Looks just like milk

Consistency
Seems to have the same thickness as milk

Taste
I have been getting my supply by robbing sperm banks so the taste can vary depending on whether the donor was an astronaut, nuclear physicist or accountant.

How close to milk is it
Not that close, but it is the closest a man can get to producing milk

Versatility
It’s quite a faff/illegal to get to be honest. Also I am worried that by eating sperm in such vast quantities, I might get pregnant. And labelling it at work has gotten me fired, so you know – I have no job now.

Ethical
I might be stopping some women from fulfilling their dream of having kids by stealing all this sperm, but then due to overpopulation maybe that’s not a bad thing.

Health
I have grown another finger. I mean that’s a bit weird right? Also I heard that the calorie content of one teaspoon of sperm is the same as eight doughnuts. Wait – I’ll ask Jeeves. *asks Jeeves*

Jeeves says it’s worse! its eight doughnuts and they’re all from the discount aisle of Asda.

Practicality
The least practical, unless I start some kind of man milking farm. Which might be nice. Or I could get a job as a fluffer on a porn set, but just ask to get paid in sperm instead of benjamins.

Pretence factors
When I am offered soy/dairy or almond milk at my local hip cafe shop and I say ‘oh no thanks I have brought my own sperm,’ people look at me like i am some kind of wizard!

 

 


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