Writing is hard guys. Sometimes you need outside sources to spark your imagination fire. Gazing at that wall at home and masturbating is fine for a while, but sometimes you need boundaries to stop you. That’s why I go to coffee shops. Not only do they serve delicious caffeinated beverages but they also frown on public masturbation.
Bristol has many wonderous/pretentious cafes on offer, and here is my guide to the best that this former pirate theme park has to offer. These are all based on my own experiences and opinions, but are universally correct so if I have missed your favorite coffee shop, that’s because it’s shit and you are wrong.
The Boston Tea Parties
These handful of chain coffee shops are a Bristol institution, and they know it because they keep hiking up their prices. Luckily, this enables me to nurse one of their thimble sized coffee’s for hours without feeling too guilty about the small mortgage it cost me to buy it. Jokes of course guys, I don’t advocate their coffee – it’s gross. Jokes again – I love you BTP, and I totally think you came up with the term ‘smashed avocado’ before the rest of those avocado smooshing bastards. The one on the fashionable Park Street is particularly good with its spacious seating and friendly baristas, and you can get a whole table for yourself without feeling like a prick with a laptop.
The BTP (butt tits poo) on fashionable Park Street is particularly good with its spacious seating and friendly baristas, and you can get a whole table for yourself without feeling like some prick with a laptop. You can be some prick with a laptop who is taking up five seats.
The BTP (bum testicles poo) on fashionable Whiteladies Road is also good, especially for networking and career opportunities, as it gets all the waifs and strays from the BBC building down the road. This makes it a great place to sit and start reading loudly from your unproduced film script. Or better yet, just start pitching at one of those lanyard wearing corporate machine sheep slaves. If they are gonna wear those lanyards so brazenly, they have to expect budding writers, like myself, to pitch their short film script ‘Cher: tits on fire,’ at their faces.
Spicer and Cole
A more upmarket wank den than Boston Tea party and with several Bristol locations.
I split my time between the Spicer and Cole in the fashionable Gloucester Road area and the Spicer and Cole in the fashionable Clifton area. The one in Clifton is more entertaining in terms of patronage and ear wigging opportunities, as most customers have ISA’s and guinea pigs with double-barrelled surnames and like, jobs, and there was once a tres amusmant moment where a gentleman flipped his lid about the lack of nuts in his Granola. He was sure there was at least a dozen more when he vacuumed it up yesterday – I was like ‘mate, you can afford a £6 bowl of granola two days in a row, what is your life!’
The coffee comes in two sizes, small and a fraction bigger than small, which often means it’s really good coffee. But I like to think about penises (in general but also) when it comes to rating the quality of coffee, the smaller it is, the harder it tries to impress you.
The staff tend to very attractive and friendly, so it might make you feel bad about yourself if you are miserable and/or ugly, or have developed writers beard – this tends to happen due to all the mirrors we smash in fits of passion.
Their coffee is nice, and there are plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in for when you want to nurse that chai latte for six hours. Most of their food comes in boxes which can be used as hats, or for poo-ing and wee-ing in if you don’t want to pack up your entire laptop to go to the toilet.
Non-chainy, non-pretentious delightful coffee lounge on the fashionable North Street. They always play Radio 4, the decor is delightfully ramshackle, and the owners are super friendly. The kind of people who know everyone’s names and specific coffee orders.
I always walk in and i’m like ‘Hi guys! It’s me Ellen!’ and they are like ‘who?’ and I am like ‘from last week – americano with hot milk girl!’ and they are like ‘I got nothing,’ and I am like ‘You know, Ellen, sits in the corner taking up four tables Ellen?’ and they are like ‘extra foamy Chai Latte girl?’ and I’m like ‘No. Ellen! The girl who takes her laptop to the toilet with her, sits in there for four hours binge-watching Netflixs. Ellen?” and they are like ‘oh yeah!’ But when I take my seat I see them mouth ‘we don’t know who she is. I’m scared.’ And I cry. But then I remember I am a struggling writer, and I…cry some more.
Hate all my suggestions (BOO-URNS) and want to find your own special coffee shop to write your next great American novel in? Then there are a few basic things to bear in mind when picking your place:
Size of the cafe – your coffee shop must be big enough for you to hide in, so you can get mistaken for the furniture after a while and not be hassled.
Where are the toilets: Are they easy to get to, so you don’t have to pack up your laptop and bring it to the toilets with you? It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of binge-watching Netflixs on the loo.
Is it in a fashionable area? Bristol has many many fashionable areas but it also some right shit-holes, however (this is where it gets confusing) these are normally up and coming fashionable areas, so are in a state of pre-fashion which makes them cooler to hang out in. It can get confusing. A good way to tell what is fashionable and what is not is by checking the house prices for the area – if they are insane and the houses are small and rubs then you are in a fashionable area. Or possibly just the present.
Does it have a hilarious sandwich outside with a pun based joke on it, which is meant to entice you inside? If it has one of these, never go in, and also knock it over.
Children: Are their yummy mummy’s there with a parade of small animated things which demand feeding and constant attention. If so then avoid.
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LOVE YOU BYE