Beam Me Up


Only one week to go until ‘Jean Luc Picard and Me,’ is performed for the first (and hopefully not the last) time at The Wardrobe Theatre in Bristol.

Now, it’s all sold out, so you can’t get tickets, but this is only because my mum bought them all as soon as they went on sale so she could invite everyone we have ever met.

‘Darling do you remember Joan?’

‘Whose Joan?’

‘Joan darling! She took you to see a panto in Woking once. Well anyway. She’s coming. She loves Star Wars.’

I only discovered the tickets were sold out yesterday when my friend couldn’t get any and asked about sneaking in options (fire escape? muppet man?)

But in all seriousness – this is exciting as there might even be people there I don’t actually know.

My preparation process for this show has been very thorough – I have spent a lot of time method acting and pretending to be Jean Luc, so I could really get a feel for the man, the myth, the legend. I walk into coffee shops and scream.



And I also went out on the town with my boy Riker. We were all like, ‘ HEY LADIES, let us show you the Picard maneuver.’

They ran away screaming, something that sounded like ‘but we don’t care about battle tactics!’

I have had several run throughs in the Wardrobe Theatre. The staff often pop into the space to grab something, and frequently find me on my knees, praying to a Jean Luc Picard paper mache head. I pause, turn to them and say ‘theatre.’ They nod solemnly, say ‘theatre’ back and then slowly walk out the room.


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There are WIRES there any eveything.

Some facts about my show:

There are 189 slides in the whole thing. Some of them go by very fast.

It features a model head of Jean Luc Picard, which is really bad, and sometimes I forget about it until I have pop into my living room in the middle of the night and nearly die of fright.

I bought an outfit to wear on stage I can not afford, but at least it’s tax deductible.

I am a little (a lot) scared but I have performed it several times in front of different people, who have all had different reactions and offered different advice –  all invaluable. Especially my sisters. “If you fuck up, just start screaming, ‘help i’m being beamed up.”

My friend, Bella, a talented poet, dancer, actress and all round legend told me NOT to apologise if I make a mistake. Which is excellent advice – but also oddly hard to do. As a British person, my natural instinct is to apologise.  However if I do this on stage I may shatter the fourth wall I have worked so hard to construct. People may start to look around and go ‘Hey guys! WERE IN A THEATRE.’

However my fear is outweighed by how awesome I feel about being so supported by friends and loved ones in order to do this. Also I get to be exceptionally silly on stage for an hour, and talk about Star Trek. That’s just the dream.








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