How to make the most of your morning coffee

Coffee. It’s good for your health, helps you sleep, makes you smart and it’s a great excuse to get people you want to have sex with, into your house. But what do you do when it doesn’t seem like there is a coffee for you?

Picture this familiar scenario: It’s 8:30 am. You’re staring up at a coffee board and a barista is staring back at you mouthing, ‘errrrrrr can I help?’

But you haven’t made a decision, because you don’t know what you want.

You know you don’t want a mocha, because thats for weak people who can’t choose, and you can’t handle the extremeness of the latte, and a filter coffee, well that is so uninspiring, and you’re certainly not qualified to order a flat white.

But you know you want something a little off the wall, something to give you a bit of a small thrill. Something a little naughty.

So what do you do? You order an americano, and feel slightly ‘is this it?’ about your choice.

You couldn’t handle the froth and milk and shame of the more exciting coffees, but you still didn’t want to be the dullest plaid shirt in the coffee house. And now you are. 

Well, I had this exact same very non specific and wide ranging problem, but one day a freak occurance made me discover a whole new way to enjoy coffee and below, I share it with you.


Step 1.

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Buy Kinder Surprise. Stay away from the gender specific ones, pink for girls and blue for boys, as they tend to ruin the surprise. It’s either going to be a tampon or a gun.

Step 2.

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Buy americano. Use your money to purchase this.

Step 3.

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Ask for hot milk for your americano. You may seem fussy but it is an essential ingredient. Make sure to specify you want it into the smallest, quaintest and stupidest jug possible.

Step 4.

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Put everything near each other, so you don’t get confused. Ignore the looks of strangers. They are jealous.

Step 5.

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Add the milk to the americano and let cool for three minutes. No more, no less. Use your iPhone to time.

Step 6.

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Open Kinder egg in haphazard fashion.

Step 7.

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Remove the yellow toy. Throw it across the room. You don’t need it right now.

Step 8.

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Fuck it in.

Note: You don’t have to put it all in. You can sample just a little to make sure it’s fresh.

Do not stir the drink. This disrupts the natural flavours. Instead let the chocolate melt to the bottom and as you drink marvel at the hint of sweetness and saturated fat.

When you get to the bottom, scoop out the remaining chocolate sludge with a spoon, your fingers, or if you are gifted that way, your tongue.

Step 9.

Retrieve toy and rub stomach making loud satisfied noise.

Step 10.

Learn to juggle with fire.

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