I have spent the last two weeks transforming my dour little flat, which previously smelt of boys and despair, into a totally fabulous urban hang out space in which to meditate and write poetry.
Using a mixture of pinterest, ebay, alcohol and enthusiasm, I have transformed my home into the a chic abode, and when friends come round for afternoon tea and a slice of my famous home made aubergine scone muffin they are all like, ‘Ellen, this place is amazing! How did you have time to do all this, bake exceptional scone muffins AND darn up costumes for the local youth theatres version of Titus Andronicus?’
I am like, ‘because I am fabulous.’
So, dear readers, I have decided to share my home decor tips with you, and show you how to turn your pad into a pad-alace.
First things last – you are going to need to get your hands on some Washi tape.
Washi tape is the vaseline of the cellotape world, a colourful and adaptable kind of masking tape which leaves no residue and requires minimal effort in order to make the most boring of household objects look fabulous.
For example, look at this kettle.
And after a little bit of Washi Tape…
You can buy it in a variety of colour and patterns off the internet, or from shops that sell gourmet popcorn and birthday cards which call your grandmother a cunt.
I bought some off ebay, pinterested the fuck out of it and then did what any sane woman would do. I made shit versions of the stuff I found online whilst drunk.
Like this colourful coffee table!
AND MY VERSION
My coffee table says ‘I am too busy and important and drunk to cover up the whole table, but I like to dabble in interiors. Wassup.’
Washi tape is also great for framing posters, as it doesn’t leave any pesky bluetack marks on the walls and is cheaper than an actual frame.
The internets version.
For my version I took everything I owned that seemed cool, or at least sepia, and washi’ed it up to the wall in a ramshackle fashion to create an inspirational ‘writers’ corner in which to work on my one woman show, ‘And The Pig Said Yes.’
As you can see there is a fabulous mix of media here, from cross eyed portraits of long dead strangers to chairs levitating in abandoned houses, from creepy children wearing curtains to a ‘so obvious it must be cool again’ print of The Kiss by Klimt.
I also think the wonky angles and overlapping tape really add to the effect.
What effect that is, I have no idea.
So you have put Washi tape onto everything you own. Now what?
Well, you need to go buy yourself a fucking birdcage.
I’m not even joking. If you’re a woman between the ages of 18 – 34 then you need to buy a birdcage. If you don’t own a birdcage, then you are not a real woman. Give me back your woman license. And your gun.
The birdcage is THE essential piece of home decor after taxidermy and aromatherapy candles, and is famed for its versatility, whimsical beauty and utter pointlessness.
You can source them cheaply from market stalls, or in places that sell gourmet popcorn and birthday cards that call your best friend a twat.
They are also the perfect home decor feminist metaphor, which every house needs, where the cage represents the sexual repression of the Victorian women who had to resort to visiting the doctor to get wanked off. And we’ve all been there. We all know why the caged bird sings, amirite ladies?
So now you have bought your bird cage, what do you put in it?
Maybe flowers, a light bulb, or a shoe? Or you can post modern that shit up and put an effigy of Nicolas Cage in your cage. A cage in a cage.
However actually putting a bird in the birdcage is a big no no, so don’t even think about it, you fucking idiot.
I went for The Wolverine, (a popular Marvel superhero,) as I feel he is the epitome of The Caged Animal. He struggles with the ‘curse’ of eternal life, and constantly tries to calm his inner beast with cigars and ill fated relationships.
Next you will need some bears.
Owls are out. Giraffes are out. Goats can go fuck themselves. 2014 is ALL about the bear.
You need bears in all and any form.
Now, it would be preferable to have a real life stuffed bear to stand guard in your living room, but those things don’t come cheap.
So I went for the next best option.
I picked this little knick knack up from an antiques store in a little place called Canada, in a little town called Toronto. The man behind the counter knew I was after something unusual as soon as I walked in, and led me by the hand to the back of the shop where he unlocked his safe to show me The Fighting Bears.
A single tear rolled down my cheek.
‘I’ll pay any price.” I said, before batting away the hand that tried to fondle my breast, ‘ but not that price.’ He charged me $40 and we both went our separate ways.
I hang my medals on to my fighting bears. I call them Jessica and Elizabeth.
Every house needs a mirror, if only to inform visitors you are not a vampire. These mirrors are pretty cool, but there is something a little too ‘modern’ about them, a little too ‘knowing,’ a little too ‘practical.’
You want something totally useless and old looking. Like this old timey security mirror complete with rusted brass leaves.
I have put this up here to check that my boyfriend is not stealing things from me when I look away.
Finally you need a miniature replica of the Star Trek Enterprise’s bridge.
We all know that geek is the new chic, and therefore nothing says chic-er than Captain Kirk sitting in a chair surrounded by all his friends.
A Few Other Essentials
A booze corner – as you can see i like a tipple, but only out of a triangle shaped glass, and only if it’s sainsbury’s basic vodka. No Stoli for this girl.
The Cat Tile
Every house needs a tile or photo of a cat looking proud, or like he is about to go to war. I like to think this tile was on display at this cats funeral. I have dubbed him ‘Hugh.’
The ‘Look how many fucking books I have read!’ corner and shelf combo.
A couple of owl wankers
And finally….a birdcage that is also a mirror. Which I do not own. Yet.
Thanks for reading guys, I hope one day you’re life can be as fabulous as mine.
Ellen x x x