Millions of dollars/pounds/euros and knuts are spend on neurological studies each year. These studies investigate important things like whether mice can find cheese and if cornflakes give you cancer.
(Sometimes and no)
Whilst these research projects are worthwhile, I there are many mysteries in life that are NOT being investigated.
And they need to be.
I have proposed a series of proposals for scientific exploration and fully intend to submit them to the…
*googles ‘where do you submit neuroscience research proposals’*
Proposed Study #1: Why are you more clumsy when you’re having a bad day?
Young womb proposes there is a link between the part of the brain which controls spatial awareness (the thalamus) and the part of the brain which deals with you being all sad and stressed because everything has gone to shit.
Sandra gets the big promotion ahead of you and in no particular order you break a lamp, stub a toe, loose your fucking house keys and drop scrambled eggs on your cat’s head.
(True story – except it wasn’t my cats head it was my plug extension lead which had ALL my plugs in it. And it wasn’t scrambled egg, it was a quorn chicken salad with a poached egg on top. The yolk got into EVERY little hole and crevice of my chargers and extension lead and took ages to get out. I got into the fetal position and cried for like, ever.)
I hypothesise that in times of stress your cortisol and norepinephrine hormones flood your thalamus and this prevents your brain from being able to work out where that mug of hot coffee is in relation to your genitals.
We don’t really know how to test this other then insulting people then giving them things to carry.
A investigation into why we hate the things we secretly love or why we secretly love the things we hate.
For example, why do we (me okay, ME) hate read utter trash like Twilight and The Hunger Games and Cosmo and declare it to be complete worthless distracting bollocks which revolts us to the core YET we (me) still keep reading it.
Or why are we nicest to the people who treat us the worst then the meanest to the people who treat us the best?
Why do we sleep with idiots who are idiots and dismiss those who remember our birthdays and/or insulin?
Why do we love How I Met Your Mother despite the fact it is absolutely dreadful?
Why do we suck up to those who marginalise us and make us feel like children, declaring hatred for them and all their arrogant ways and series of ornate capes yet kick old ladies who work at charity shops in the face?
Why do I hate Zooey Deschanel but watch The New Girl?
Why do we say one thing and mean another?
I hypothesise that everyone is fucked up in their own unique beautiful way and should just carry on. Our experiment however will look like this.
Proposed Study #3: How many times can you tell an anecdote before it becomes a web of lies rather then a truthful recollection?
A investigation into group retellings and the sociological aspect of “a story shared is a story doubled in untruths.“
I propose we sent Patient A, a dour man, to a slightly quirky weekend retreat in which he gets a massage, eats a live chicken and attempts to find his spirit guide.
We then send Patient A to a series of parties (dinner and drinks) in which he anecdotal recalls his ‘totally off the wall’ weekend.
We then measure how many parties it takes before he is regaling attractive people with whimsical stories about how he fucked the chicken, found out his spirit guide was Hendrix and set fire to the yurts before writing a ‘Fish out of Water Story’ for The Sunday Fucking Times.
We predict two.
Proposed Study #4: Why are cakes so fucking exciting.
I have started doing temp work in an office and everyone in finance (those guys are CRAZZZZY) stampeded past my desk with a air of “OMFG”.
My first thought was ‘fire!’ and my second was ‘cakes.’
How we want the cake! And yet eating the cake makes us bad bad people. But Hitler hated cake, so therefore does that make us at least, if anything, not Hitler?
I propose lying to people to get results.
We feign doing a study on preferred towel moistness and ask participants to touch a series of towels with different levels of dampness, and ask them to mark them down in order of preference.
After they have done the study a child is sent into the room with a cake to congratulate them on all their hard work.
The child will then put the cake in the middle of the table, ask the participants if they want some, and right after they cut off a slice the child will feign a seizure.
Note: fake seizure and child actor.
We will then examine in which order the participants save the child. Before or after eating cake.
Then we will all eat cake. All these cakes.
Less Awesome Ideas
- An in depth study or diagram explaining why Jesus was not in fact a zombie, pointing out his ability to talk, think coherently and not eat flesh once he came back from the dead. No, guys, the bit of bread he ate WAS BREAD. If anything he was a carb loader.
- If all the money spent trying to make genitals look attractive was put towards food for starving African children would Comic Relief finally fucking stop.
- Why do we try and make our genitals look attractive? What part of our brain won’t accept there just ugly and weird looking. And you know, that’s fine.
- When you really think about it you realise Tom Cruise is actually a really good actor.